I recently read Positive Discipline, the First Three Years, by Jane Nelson and Roslyn Ann Duffy, and have found their approach to be practically useful in learning how to better parent my almost three year old son1. It does not magically solve all problems, but does help me to roll with the punches. This is very important because when parenting a small child everything can be going along fine and then all of a sudden things change abruptly. Nelson and Duffy illustrate the importance of understanding your child’s (mis)behavior, so you can understand what is age appropriate and what could be an effort to regain connection. With that understanding of your child as a foundation, Nelson and Duffy recommend being kind and firm toward your child.
My wife and I are frequently realizing that we need a new plan when my son’s behavior abruptly changes. This happened after Christmas, when my son picked up the habit of throwing all his toys on the floor and then climbing on Mom or Dad’s desk and getting into stuff2. He also started throwing marathon fits when we turned off the TV. I started getting frustrated and angry and was overly forceful in taking my son away from my desk. It wasn’t effective because my son got a defiant look in his eyes, and went right back. Things felt out of control and unworkable for me. I wished that my son would just “listen” to me more.
Nelson and Duffy point out that if we want our kids to be strong and assertive as adults then we can’t demand them to be quiet and compliant as kids (Ch. 2). So that argues against yelling or punishing to enforce my arbitrary rules. But I also can’t let him watch many hours of TV and play with scissors, because things would get chaotic and dangerous – not good for us parents or the child. So what can I do? Positive Discipline gives some parenting tools that can help.
First I need to understand my son’s behavior, to figure out what is age appropriate (Ch 9.). At his age play is super important so it makes sense that he would want to get into his toys right away. With more toys than normal because of Christmas, maybe he just wants to see all of them before he decides on a toy. From that perspective throwing them all on the floor makes some sense. And then getting into Mommy and Daddy’s desks makes sense too because he has a need to explore and because he wants to imitate us. Finally with the TV, my son wants to have the autonomy to decide how long to watch. So these behaviors are totally age appropriate, but very difficult for us parents. This knowledge helps diffuse my anger. My son is not a little demon, he’s just a little person trying to explore and have autonomy.
Next I need to take action in a kind and firm way, that is respectful of my son’s needs and desires and of mine and my wife’s. Nelson and Duffy talk about the importance of deciding what you will do instead of what you want your child to do. It makes sense to focus on what you control. So in this case, I decided to pack away some of my son’s toys to make it more manageable when he throws them on the floor. It turns out that with fewer options, he ended up playing with the toys more and got into our desks less (a nice surprise!). With the TV fits, I didn’t know what to do so I looked it up and brainstormed with my wife. We came upon the idea of using a timer to set up an agreed upon time for TV (use of timers described in Ch.5). I was shocked when my son quietly shut off the TV after the timer went off! Since then there have still been fits, but the timer has helped a lot.
In writing about this episode, I realize how I could have done things differently that might have been better. The most important thing is to first connect with the child before taking corrective action. I could have validated my son’s feelings and apologized for being overly forceful. Sometimes just asking for a hug makes all the difference. Second, I need to remember that these Positive Discipline tools are not about controlling the child to make my life easier. Instead the idea is to collaboratively come up with a solution that works for all. As the parent with more experience and power, I definitely take the lead, but it’s critical to involve the child as much as possible. Sometimes that means offering limited choices and letting the child decide, or sometimes it means asking the child to help.
It’s about finding what works for you and your specific child. The specific actions will change with each kid and over time, but the overall approach can be helpful. Instead of yelling and punishing the child, we can seek to understand and connect. Letting kids do whatever they want is not the only alternative. Nelson and Duffy show there is a way to be firm while still being kind. We can involve kids in decisions and activities, allow them to face the challenges of life, and be there for them to encourage them. Ideally this approach respects the needs and desires of the child and the adult. I find it hopeful. I don’t think it will make things easier for me (or the child!), but I hope that it will make the experience more meaningful and joyful.
It’s difficult to share my experience with applying Positive Discipline to my parenting because I don’t want to come off as having figured everything out. Since starting to write this post, we have come up against new parenting challenges. Things are definitely a work in progress! But, writing about it helps me to learn, and maybe someone else will find this book useful too. To anyone who interacts with kids, I’m curious to hear what you find helpful. And if you are a kid, let me know what parenting approaches you prefer!
- Jane Nelson and Roslyn Ann Duffy. Positive Discipline, the First Three Years. Harmony 2015. https://www.positivediscipline.com/products/positive-discipline-first-three-years-revised-and-updated
- As remembered by me and with permission from my wife and son. March, 2021.